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**files (4)**

– ## DiscussionThread-CommunicationDecisionMakingAndConflictResolutionParts2and3.docx

– ## Clinicalhandbookofcoupletherapy6thed.Chap.6.pdf

– ## WatchTranscript-CommunicationDecisionMakingAndConflictResolutionPart2.txt

– WatchTranscript-CommunicationDecisionMakingAndConflictResolutionPart3.txt

**## DiscussionThread-CommunicationDecisionMakingAndConflictResolutionParts2and3.docx**

**Discussion Thread: Communication, Decision Making And Conflict Resolution – Parts 2 and 3**

In the video lecture by Dr. Scalise entitled, “Communication, Decision Making and Conflict Resolution – Parts 2 and 3,” he discusses the last 7 of 10 “rules” for ensuring “good confrontations” of couples. These are really components of conflict resolution.

You will hear discussions on focusing on the issue, allowing a time-out, choosing a neutral time/place, owning one’s feelings, and being responsive as opposed to reactive.

For this Discussion Activity, reflect on what it means to be responsive as opposed to reactive. Why is this important? What does this look like in a healthy marriage? Discuss an illustration or two that might help us to understand.

Demonstrate incorporation of materials from Lebow and Snyder (2023). You may also use scripture.

**Discussion Assignment Instructions**

The student will complete 6 Discussion Activities in this course. The student will post one thread of at least 500 words. For each thread, students must support their assertions with at least 2 scholarly references (with accompanying citations) in current APA format. Any sources cited must have been published within the last 12 years. Acceptable sources include our textbooks, scholarly articles, and the Bible.

**## Clinicalhandbookofcoupletherapy6thed.Chap.6.pdf**

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
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**## WatchTranscript-CommunicationDecisionMakingAndConflictResolutionPart2.txt**

Hi and welcome
to part two of this short little series where we're looking
at communication, decision making, and conflict resolution
for couples. In part one, we laid
out a little bit of some core, basic
foundational principles. And we covered the first three ground rules as
you're working with couples to help in
these areas so they can have vibrant and
healthy relationships. Before we move on
and we're going to cover rules four through seven
in this segment, I was thinking
about expectations. And the reality is most
husbands and wives, they fell in
love with each other because
they spent time, they got to know
what they like, they didn't like two. Let me go back to my pens from that I used
in the first one. If two couples,
since they were far apart on almost
everything in life, most people would not
marry at that point. They, we're just not
that compatible. The reality is
that husbands and wives who get married because they've spent some time dating, courting, whatever,
understood, Hey, there's some
compatibility. There's some overlap. What happens is stress, the stress of life, financial stress,
kids, whatever. It drives us to
our comfort zones, it drives us to
where we feel. No, this is really good. But the reality is overlap probably still exists. We just have to
help couples find it when you're thinking about finding
that overlap, when there's no
understanding, like we've talked about that in rule number three. What happens is the game, if I can use that or
the issue becomes not, let's figure
out what to do, right, as a couple. That's not the process. It's not what's right, but it becomes
who's right. When the game
becomes who's right. By definition, there's
a winner and a loser. Listen, basketball court
win, lose is okay. Even an armed conflict or a war win, lose is okay. But in a marriage, win, lose is not a good deal. You have to figure out how to help couples figure out how to make it a win win, that's the goal. All right, Let's pick up with Rule number four. And remember,
these rules are now geared a
little bit toward helping couples stay
on the path that hopefully you have
guided them to. Rule number
four says this. I will focus on resolving
the issues and not attempt to make
my spouse or the relationship
the problem. What happens when people get angry or frustrated? Or if there is some
history of that? After a while,
spouses stop talking to the issue and they start
attacking the person. And when we feel like
we are being blamed, when we're being made out to be the problem again, what kind of posture
do we get into? We get into a
defensive posture. We want to run to
the nearest foxhole, grab or grenade and launch it back at the
other person. What happens is
when couples focus on making
the other person the problem for any
length of time, it actually goes
beyond that and the relationship itself
becomes a problem. For example, it
might be, oh, let's say the checkbook
is never balanced or money's not
always spent wisely. And so couples are
fussing with each other about that
issue, right? Checkbook is not
balanced issue. And that becomes,
you know what, you are a bad
financial manager, see the shift from issue to you're the problem. And then after a while it becomes, you know what, We just don't have a
good marriage here and the relationship
becomes the problem. I tell couples, listen, don't ever let
the relationship become the problem. Because when
husbands and wives make the relationship
the problem, what is the way they
solve the problem? The relationship, and they think that
ends the problem, which isn't
always the case. Avoid making the
relationship the problem. And you have to work at not making each
other the problem. Defensiveness
is a great clue that a couple is
getting off track. If one or the other person feels overly defensive, that means they're
feeling attacked. And that should be a clue to help
the couple say, hey, you've gotten
off track here, you've got to get back on the issue and make the
issue the problem, not get into
the blame game. Okay? Rule number five. I will give myself and my spouse permission
to take a time out from the
discussion when it's requested as I
have a part two here. As long as I also give
a time frame when we will resume our talking or our problem solving, it's not enough just to say I'm done
and walk away. It happens though, right? Oh, husband and wife are fussing in
the kitchen. Someone gets frustrated
and they say, I don't want to talk
about it anymore. They get up, they walk
down the hallway, often with their
husband or wife in tow, fussing at them
right behind them. Don't walk away from me, we're not done talking. It takes it into
the bedroom. Nothing ever gets solved. It's probably better to help them learn how
to call the time out. Research says
there's actually some benefit to
the counting to ten because it gives
a person a chance to get out of their
gut for a minute. Get out of their
emotions into the head, calm down, think, breathe, and all those
kinds of things. But my time out
rule has a part B. There must be a time in. In other words, it's no fair just to walk away. Think of basketball
again for a moment. Let me use that
as an example. In basketball, each team is given six time
outs, a half, right? They get, I believe, two minute timeouts and
three 22nd timeouts. If the coach or
the player calls a timeout and the referee
blows the whistle, the referee
doesn't look over at the coach or
player and go, I'm going to give you the short one this time. Coach no, you
called the timeout. You instruct me,
short or long. Same thing in a
marriage, it's like, okay, you're asking for some time or some space. Great. You're calling
the time out. You tell me what you need. I tell couples, listen, anything between
about 15:20 minutes and one overnight, depending on when
the fun starts, is probably a
reasonable time out. I remember talking
to a couple once, one of the spouses
said, yeah, but the Bible
says don't let the sun set on your anger. In other words,
pushing back a little bit on
the time out. And I said, listen, if the fireworks started
at 11:00 at night, the sun's been
down for 3 hours. Don't sweat it.
It's probably smarter to get a
good night's sleep. Think about it,
pray about it. Settle down a little bit and try to
pick it up in the morning over a cup of coffee
or something. We have to help
people call effective timeouts when
they're overly tired. When you know
you're about to say something that you're going to regret or do something or it
gets emotional. Those are all good times to call the time out. We just have to help
couples understand, they must call the
time in as well. Okay? Rule number six. I will accept a
neutral place and a neutral time that's
mutually satisfactory in order to
discuss the issues of the problems
and not give one partner an unfair advantage over the other. Again, when we feel
like the sides aren't even when
it's not balanced, when it's not fair,
what posture do people get into
defensive mode? That's not what we want. And so you have to be careful about
unbalancing. Listen, human nature often tries to seek
the high ground. The, the advantage, right? That sometimes, oh,
we'll bring a friend or a family member
into the argument, hey, whose side
are you on, or whatever the
case might be. I tell couples don't fuss at each
other in the car. It's not a neutral place. What are you going
to do if someone wants to call a timeout? Jump. You know, it
doesn't work that way. And I remember I had
a client years ago who worked at one of the tunnels in the
Virginia Beach, Hampton Roads area. He monitored all that
and there's no sound, but the cameras
pick up a lot. And of course, they're
always looking for traffic that stopped
for a flat tire, an accident or a car
breakdown or something. He sees traffic building
up in the tunnel. Finds the right camera, zoos in, can't
hear anything. But he zooms in on the car that apparently is stuck, and he sees two people
in the front seat that look like
they're having a pretty heated argument. The woman was driving
and they're waving hands and you could tell that somebody
both shouting. She gets out of the car, slams the door in the
middle of the tunnel, stands there for a minute, opens the door again, yells something
and then slams the door and starts walking out of the tunnel. Not a neutral
place, right? Not a neutral
time. Don't do it when you're both
angry, don't do it. When you're both upset, you find the best way
and the best time to do it if you have
small children. I'll illustrate this point because if you've
been a parent and you've had that
4567 year old that you have to have
a little bit of a corrective
conversation with. And you can sense that they're sort of resisting the jaw sticks out a little bit and they're
just kind of like, no, we all have sense that as parents it's
because of this rule. See, the child
understands, The sides aren't even the parent is the giant. They have all
the power, they have all the money. They have the car keys. And they know where the
cookie jar is hidden. It's not fair.
They're looking for a way to bring some balance back
into the equation. That's why I tell parents
of small children, if you have to have that conversation
with your kid, I'll say go to their
room and have it. Why? I know you're paying the rent
or the mortgage, but they think it's
their territory. And you'll
actually see kids calm down a little bit. Or I'll say instead
of towering above them, sit
down on the bed. Or get down at eye level, because it takes away
the height advantage. Human nature, I
feel disadvantaged, so I get into a
defensive posture. Um, adults, We're just more
sophisticated about how we do it. But the principle
remains and it's there. Okay, and then
rule number seven, let's talk through that one before we wrap up. It says, I'll take
ownership of and be completely accountable
for my own feelings, thoughts, attitudes, behaviors without
plain detective or blaming my spouse. This is difficult
because when we're upset with our spouse
or another person, we often want to
say, what about you? Right? But as long
as we're focused on what about you, right, the other person, what
are we not tuned into or not willing to
address what about me? It's pretty common
that we have to help them turn
that back into a place of accountability
and responsibility. I said to a
couple who were fussing and the husband, he was just a
negative person in general,
pretty critical. And I stopped the session. I looked at him,
I said, listen, be careful about
criticizing all of your
wife's judgments. Look who she married. Are you telling her
she made a poor choice in married? But I get it. Human nature wants
to keep the focus out there because that's
more comfortable, but that's not helpful. Let me give you a biblical
example if I can. Do you remember
post Resurrection, Jesus and Peter are having a little bit
of fish breakfast. Although I can't say I've had fish for
breakfast a lot, but it must be okay, culturally, they're
having breakfast. Jesus is saying to
Peter, do you love me? Remember that
portion of scripture he asked him three times, do you love me,
do you love me? And Peter, of course,
says yes, yes, yes. It's his makeup
test, right? He denied him three times. Now he's saying that he reaffirms his love in
that conversation. If you read that
portion of scripture, Jesus looks at
Peter and he says, Peter, when you
were young, you could go anywhere
you wanted to, but when you grow old, you're going to
be bound up and you're not going
to be able to go where you want to go. The scripture even says that Jesus was speaking to Peter about what manner of death he was
going to experience. Now, think about the
conversation for a moment. They're having this
very intimate, probably somewhat
private conversation about his denials, reaffirming his love, and how he's going
to be martyred. Do you remember
Peter's response to Jesus in the moment? If you don't,
let me quote it. Peter looked over at the disciple whom
Jesus loved. John said, master.
What about him? Do you see the human
nature principle? What about him? Jesus,
in essence said, and I'm paraphrasing,
He said, Pete, tell you what? Right now we're
talking about you, Why don't we stick with that Because he
said to Peter, he said, What's
that to you, Peter? You follow me. But human
nature wants to go, but Lord, what
about my wife? What about my hand? What about them? And God is often
saying, yeah, let's talk about,
what about you first? This next set of
four rules, again, are to help a couple
stay on track. When we have part three, we'll cover the
last three rules and give a little
wrap to this.

**WatchTranscript-CommunicationDecisionMakingAndConflictResolutionPart3.txt**

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**WatchTranscript-CommunicationDecisionMakingAndConflictResolutionPart3.txt**

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**## DiscussionThread-CommunicationDecisionMakingAndConflictResolutionParts2and3.docx**

**Discussion Thread: Communication, Decision Making And Conflict Resolution – Parts 2 and 3**

In the video lecture by Dr. Scalise entitled, “Communication, Decision Making and Conflict Resolution – Parts 2 and 3,” he discusses the last 7 of 10 “rules” for ensuring “good confrontations” of couples. These are really components of conflict resolution.

You will hear discussions on focusing on the issue, allowing a time-out, choosing a neutral time/place, owning one’s feelings, and being responsive as opposed to reactive.

For this Discussion Activity, reflect on what it means to be responsive as opposed to reactive. Why is this important? What does this look like in a healthy marriage? Discuss an illustration or two that might help us to understand.

Demonstrate incorporation of materials from Lebow and Snyder (2023). You may also use scripture.

**Discussion Assignment Instructions**

The student will complete 6 Discussion Activities in this course. The student will post one thread of at least 500 words. For each thread, students must support their assertions with at least 2 scholarly references (with accompanying citations) in current APA format. Any sources cited must have been published within the last 12 years. Acceptable sources include our textbooks, scholarly articles, and the Bible.

**## Clinicalhandbookofcoupletherapy6thed.Chap.6.pdf**

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

Printing is for personal, private use only. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted without publisher's prior
permission. Violators will be prosecuted.

**## WatchTranscript-CommunicationDecisionMakingAndConflictResolutionPart2.txt**

Hi and welcome
to part two of this short little series where we're looking
at communication, decision making, and conflict resolution
for couples. In part one, we laid
out a little bit of some core, basic
foundational principles. And we covered the first three ground rules as
you're working with couples to help in
these areas so they can have vibrant and
healthy relationships. Before we move on
and we're going to cover rules four through seven
in this segment, I was thinking
about expectations. And the reality is most
husbands and wives, they fell in
love with each other because
they spent time, they got to know
what they like, they didn't like two. Let me go back to my pens from that I used
in the first one. If two couples,
since they were far apart on almost
everything in life, most people would not
marry at that point. They, we're just not
that compatible. The reality is
that husbands and wives who get married because they've spent some time dating, courting, whatever,
understood, Hey, there's some
compatibility. There's some overlap. What happens is stress, the stress of life, financial stress,
kids, whatever. It drives us to
our comfort zones, it drives us to
where we feel. No, this is really good. But the reality is overlap probably still exists. We just have to
help couples find it when you're thinking about finding
that overlap, when there's no
understanding, like we've talked about that in rule number three. What happens is the game, if I can use that or
the issue becomes not, let's figure
out what to do, right, as a couple. That's not the process. It's not what's right, but it becomes
who's right. When the game
becomes who's right. By definition, there's
a winner and a loser. Listen, basketball court
win, lose is okay. Even an armed conflict or a war win, lose is okay. But in a marriage, win, lose is not a good deal. You have to figure out how to help couples figure out how to make it a win win, that's the goal. All right, Let's pick up with Rule number four. And remember,
these rules are now geared a
little bit toward helping couples stay
on the path that hopefully you have
guided them to. Rule number
four says this. I will focus on resolving
the issues and not attempt to make
my spouse or the relationship
the problem. What happens when people get angry or frustrated? Or if there is some
history of that? After a while,
spouses stop talking to the issue and they start
attacking the person. And when we feel like
we are being blamed, when we're being made out to be the problem again, what kind of posture
do we get into? We get into a
defensive posture. We want to run to
the nearest foxhole, grab or grenade and launch it back at the
other person. What happens is
when couples focus on making
the other person the problem for any
length of time, it actually goes
beyond that and the relationship itself
becomes a problem. For example, it
might be, oh, let's say the checkbook
is never balanced or money's not
always spent wisely. And so couples are
fussing with each other about that
issue, right? Checkbook is not
balanced issue. And that becomes,
you know what, you are a bad
financial manager, see the shift from issue to you're the problem. And then after a while it becomes, you know what, We just don't have a
good marriage here and the relationship
becomes the problem. I tell couples, listen, don't ever let
the relationship become the problem. Because when
husbands and wives make the relationship
the problem, what is the way they
solve the problem? The relationship, and they think that
ends the problem, which isn't
always the case. Avoid making the
relationship the problem. And you have to work at not making each
other the problem. Defensiveness
is a great clue that a couple is
getting off track. If one or the other person feels overly defensive, that means they're
feeling attacked. And that should be a clue to help
the couple say, hey, you've gotten
off track here, you've got to get back on the issue and make the
issue the problem, not get into
the blame game. Okay? Rule number five. I will give myself and my spouse permission
to take a time out from the
discussion when it's requested as I
have a part two here. As long as I also give
a time frame when we will resume our talking or our problem solving, it's not enough just to say I'm done
and walk away. It happens though, right? Oh, husband and wife are fussing in
the kitchen. Someone gets frustrated
and they say, I don't want to talk
about it anymore. They get up, they walk
down the hallway, often with their
husband or wife in tow, fussing at them
right behind them. Don't walk away from me, we're not done talking. It takes it into
the bedroom. Nothing ever gets solved. It's probably better to help them learn how
to call the time out. Research says
there's actually some benefit to
the counting to ten because it gives
a person a chance to get out of their
gut for a minute. Get out of their
emotions into the head, calm down, think, breathe, and all those
kinds of things. But my time out
rule has a part B. There must be a time in. In other words, it's no fair just to walk away. Think of basketball
again for a moment. Let me use that
as an example. In basketball, each team is given six time
outs, a half, right? They get, I believe, two minute timeouts and
three 22nd timeouts. If the coach or
the player calls a timeout and the referee
blows the whistle, the referee
doesn't look over at the coach or
player and go, I'm going to give you the short one this time. Coach no, you
called the timeout. You instruct me,
short or long. Same thing in a
marriage, it's like, okay, you're asking for some time or some space. Great. You're calling
the time out. You tell me what you need. I tell couples, listen, anything between
about 15:20 minutes and one overnight, depending on when
the fun starts, is probably a
reasonable time out. I remember talking
to a couple once, one of the spouses
said, yeah, but the Bible
says don't let the sun set on your anger. In other words,
pushing back a little bit on
the time out. And I said, listen, if the fireworks started
at 11:00 at night, the sun's been
down for 3 hours. Don't sweat it.
It's probably smarter to get a
good night's sleep. Think about it,
pray about it. Settle down a little bit and try to
pick it up in the morning over a cup of coffee
or something. We have to help
people call effective timeouts when
they're overly tired. When you know
you're about to say something that you're going to regret or do something or it
gets emotional. Those are all good times to call the time out. We just have to help
couples understand, they must call the
time in as well. Okay? Rule number six. I will accept a
neutral place and a neutral time that's
mutually satisfactory in order to
discuss the issues of the problems
and not give one partner an unfair advantage over the other. Again, when we feel
like the sides aren't even when
it's not balanced, when it's not fair,
what posture do people get into
defensive mode? That's not what we want. And so you have to be careful about
unbalancing. Listen, human nature often tries to seek
the high ground. The, the advantage, right? That sometimes, oh,
we'll bring a friend or a family member
into the argument, hey, whose side
are you on, or whatever the
case might be. I tell couples don't fuss at each
other in the car. It's not a neutral place. What are you going
to do if someone wants to call a timeout? Jump. You know, it
doesn't work that way. And I remember I had
a client years ago who worked at one of the tunnels in the
Virginia Beach, Hampton Roads area. He monitored all that
and there's no sound, but the cameras
pick up a lot. And of course, they're
always looking for traffic that stopped
for a flat tire, an accident or a car
breakdown or something. He sees traffic building
up in the tunnel. Finds the right camera, zoos in, can't
hear anything. But he zooms in on the car that apparently is stuck, and he sees two people
in the front seat that look like
they're having a pretty heated argument. The woman was driving
and they're waving hands and you could tell that somebody
both shouting. She gets out of the car, slams the door in the
middle of the tunnel, stands there for a minute, opens the door again, yells something
and then slams the door and starts walking out of the tunnel. Not a neutral
place, right? Not a neutral
time. Don't do it when you're both
angry, don't do it. When you're both upset, you find the best way
and the best time to do it if you have
small children. I'll illustrate this point because if you've
been a parent and you've had that
4567 year old that you have to have
a little bit of a corrective
conversation with. And you can sense that they're sort of resisting the jaw sticks out a little bit and they're
just kind of like, no, we all have sense that as parents it's
because of this rule. See, the child
understands, The sides aren't even the parent is the giant. They have all
the power, they have all the money. They have the car keys. And they know where the
cookie jar is hidden. It's not fair.
They're looking for a way to bring some balance back
into the equation. That's why I tell parents
of small children, if you have to have that conversation
with your kid, I'll say go to their
room and have it. Why? I know you're paying the rent
or the mortgage, but they think it's
their territory. And you'll
actually see kids calm down a little bit. Or I'll say instead
of towering above them, sit
down on the bed. Or get down at eye level, because it takes away
the height advantage. Human nature, I
feel disadvantaged, so I get into a
defensive posture. Um, adults, We're just more
sophisticated about how we do it. But the principle
remains and it's there. Okay, and then
rule number seven, let's talk through that one before we wrap up. It says, I'll take
ownership of and be completely accountable
for my own feelings, thoughts, attitudes, behaviors without
plain detective or blaming my spouse. This is difficult
because when we're upset with our spouse
or another person, we often want to
say, what about you? Right? But as long
as we're focused on what about you, right, the other person, what
are we not tuned into or not willing to
address what about me? It's pretty common
that we have to help them turn
that back into a place of accountability
and responsibility. I said to a
couple who were fussing and the husband, he was just a
negative person in general,
pretty critical. And I stopped the session. I looked at him,
I said, listen, be careful about
criticizing all of your
wife's judgments. Look who she married. Are you telling her
she made a poor choice in married? But I get it. Human nature wants
to keep the focus out there because that's
more comfortable, but that's not helpful. Let me give you a biblical
example if I can. Do you remember
post Resurrection, Jesus and Peter are having a little bit
of fish breakfast. Although I can't say I've had fish for
breakfast a lot, but it must be okay, culturally, they're
having breakfast. Jesus is saying to
Peter, do you love me? Remember that
portion of scripture he asked him three times, do you love me,
do you love me? And Peter, of course,
says yes, yes, yes. It's his makeup
test, right? He denied him three times. Now he's saying that he reaffirms his love in
that conversation. If you read that
portion of scripture, Jesus looks at
Peter and he says, Peter, when you
were young, you could go anywhere
you wanted to, but when you grow old, you're going to
be bound up and you're not going
to be able to go where you want to go. The scripture even says that Jesus was speaking to Peter about what manner of death he was
going to experience. Now, think about the
conversation for a moment. They're having this
very intimate, probably somewhat
private conversation about his denials, reaffirming his love, and how he's going
to be martyred. Do you remember
Peter's response to Jesus in the moment? If you don't,
let me quote it. Peter looked over at the disciple whom
Jesus loved. John said, master.
What about him? Do you see the human
nature principle? What about him? Jesus,
in essence said, and I'm paraphrasing,
He said, Pete, tell you what? Right now we're
talking about you, Why don't we stick with that Because he
said to Peter, he said, What's
that to you, Peter? You follow me. But human
nature wants to go, but Lord, what
about my wife? What about my hand? What about them? And God is often
saying, yeah, let's talk about,
what about you first? This next set of
four rules, again, are to help a couple
stay on track. When we have part three, we'll cover the
last three rules and give a little
wrap to this.

**WatchTranscript-CommunicationDecisionMakingAndConflictResolutionPart3.txt**

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**## DiscussionThread-CommunicationDecisionMakingAndConflictResolutionParts2and3.docx**

**Discussion Thread: Communication, Decision Making And Conflict Resolution – Parts 2 and 3**

In the video lecture by Dr. Scalise entitled, “Communication, Decision Making and Conflict Resolution – Parts 2 and 3,” he discusses the last 7 of 10 “rules” for ensuring “good confrontations” of couples. These are really components of conflict resolution.

You will hear discussions on focusing on the issue, allowing a time-out, choosing a neutral time/place, owning one’s feelings, and being responsive as opposed to reactive.

For this Discussion Activity, reflect on what it means to be responsive as opposed to reactive. Why is this important? What does this look like in a healthy marriage? Discuss an illustration or two that might help us to understand.

Demonstrate incorporation of materials from Lebow and Snyder (2023). You may also use scripture.

**Discussion Assignment Instructions**

The student will complete 6 Discussion Activities in this course. The student will post one thread of at least 500 words. For each thread, students must support their assertions with at least 2 scholarly references (with accompanying citations) in current APA format. Any sources cited must have been published within the last 12 years. Acceptable sources include our textbooks, scholarly articles, and the Bible.

**## Clinicalhandbookofcoupletherapy6thed.Chap.6.pdf**

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**## WatchTranscript-CommunicationDecisionMakingAndConflictResolutionPart2.txt**

Hi and welcome
to part two of this short little series where we're looking
at communication, decision making, and conflict resolution
for couples. In part one, we laid
out a little bit of some core, basic
foundational principles. And we covered the first three ground rules as
you're working with couples to help in
these areas so they can have vibrant and
healthy relationships. Before we move on
and we're going to cover rules four through seven
in this segment, I was thinking
about expectations. And the reality is most
husbands and wives, they fell in
love with each other because
they spent time, they got to know
what they like, they didn't like two. Let me go back to my pens from that I used
in the first one. If two couples,
since they were far apart on almost
everything in life, most people would not
marry at that point. They, we're just not
that compatible. The reality is
that husbands and wives who get married because they've spent some time dating, courting, whatever,
understood, Hey, there's some
compatibility. There's some overlap. What happens is stress, the stress of life, financial stress,
kids, whatever. It drives us to
our comfort zones, it drives us to
where we feel. No, this is really good. But the reality is overlap probably still exists. We just have to
help couples find it when you're thinking about finding
that overlap, when there's no
understanding, like we've talked about that in rule number three. What happens is the game, if I can use that or
the issue becomes not, let's figure
out what to do, right, as a couple. That's not the process. It's not what's right, but it becomes
who's right. When the game
becomes who's right. By definition, there's
a winner and a loser. Listen, basketball court
win, lose is okay. Even an armed conflict or a war win, lose is okay. But in a marriage, win, lose is not a good deal. You have to figure out how to help couples figure out how to make it a win win, that's the goal. All right, Let's pick up with Rule number four. And remember,
these rules are now geared a
little bit toward helping couples stay
on the path that hopefully you have
guided them to. Rule number
four says this. I will focus on resolving
the issues and not attempt to make
my spouse or the relationship
the problem. What happens when people get angry or frustrated? Or if there is some
history of that? After a while,
spouses stop talking to the issue and they start
attacking the person. And when we feel like
we are being blamed, when we're being made out to be the problem again, what kind of posture
do we get into? We get into a
defensive posture. We want to run to
the nearest foxhole, grab or grenade and launch it back at the
other person. What happens is
when couples focus on making
the other person the problem for any
length of time, it actually goes
beyond that and the relationship itself
becomes a problem. For example, it
might be, oh, let's say the checkbook
is never balanced or money's not
always spent wisely. And so couples are
fussing with each other about that
issue, right? Checkbook is not
balanced issue. And that becomes,
you know what, you are a bad
financial manager, see the shift from issue to you're the problem. And then after a while it becomes, you know what, We just don't have a
good marriage here and the relationship
becomes the problem. I tell couples, listen, don't ever let
the relationship become the problem. Because when
husbands and wives make the relationship
the problem, what is the way they
solve the problem? The relationship, and they think that
ends the problem, which isn't
always the case. Avoid making the
relationship the problem. And you have to work at not making each
other the problem. Defensiveness
is a great clue that a couple is
getting off track. If one or the other person feels overly defensive, that means they're
feeling attacked. And that should be a clue to help
the couple say, hey, you've gotten
off track here, you've got to get back on the issue and make the
issue the problem, not get into
the blame game. Okay? Rule number five. I will give myself and my spouse permission
to take a time out from the
discussion when it's requested as I
have a part two here. As long as I also give
a time frame when we will resume our talking or our problem solving, it's not enough just to say I'm done
and walk away. It happens though, right? Oh, husband and wife are fussing in
the kitchen. Someone gets frustrated
and they say, I don't want to talk
about it anymore. They get up, they walk
down the hallway, often with their
husband or wife in tow, fussing at them
right behind them. Don't walk away from me, we're not done talking. It takes it into
the bedroom. Nothing ever gets solved. It's probably better to help them learn how
to call the time out. Research says
there's actually some benefit to
the counting to ten because it gives
a person a chance to get out of their
gut for a minute. Get out of their
emotions into the head, calm down, think, breathe, and all those
kinds of things. But my time out
rule has a part B. There must be a time in. In other words, it's no fair just to walk away. Think of basketball
again for a moment. Let me use that
as an example. In basketball, each team is given six time
outs, a half, right? They get, I believe, two minute timeouts and
three 22nd timeouts. If the coach or
the player calls a timeout and the referee
blows the whistle, the referee
doesn't look over at the coach or
player and go, I'm going to give you the short one this time. Coach no, you
called the timeout. You instruct me,
short or long. Same thing in a
marriage, it's like, okay, you're asking for some time or some space. Great. You're calling
the time out. You tell me what you need. I tell couples, listen, anything between
about 15:20 minutes and one overnight, depending on when
the fun starts, is probably a
reasonable time out. I remember talking
to a couple once, one of the spouses
said, yeah, but the Bible
says don't let the sun set on your anger. In other words,
pushing back a little bit on
the time out. And I said, listen, if the fireworks started
at 11:00 at night, the sun's been
down for 3 hours. Don't sweat it.
It's probably smarter to get a
good night's sleep. Think about it,
pray about it. Settle down a little bit and try to
pick it up in the morning over a cup of coffee
or something. We have to help
people call effective timeouts when
they're overly tired. When you know
you're about to say something that you're going to regret or do something or it
gets emotional. Those are all good times to call the time out. We just have to help
couples understand, they must call the
time in as well. Okay? Rule number six. I will accept a
neutral place and a neutral time that's
mutually satisfactory in order to
discuss the issues of the problems
and not give one partner an unfair advantage over the other. Again, when we feel
like the sides aren't even when
it's not balanced, when it's not fair,
what posture do people get into
defensive mode? That's not what we want. And so you have to be careful about
unbalancing. Listen, human nature often tries to seek
the high ground. The, the advantage, right? That sometimes, oh,
we'll bring a friend or a family member
into the argument, hey, whose side
are you on, or whatever the
case might be. I tell couples don't fuss at each
other in the car. It's not a neutral place. What are you going
to do if someone wants to call a timeout? Jump. You know, it
doesn't work that way. And I remember I had
a client years ago who worked at one of the tunnels in the
Virginia Beach, Hampton Roads area. He monitored all that
and there's no sound, but the cameras
pick up a lot. And of course, they're
always looking for traffic that stopped
for a flat tire, an accident or a car
breakdown or something. He sees traffic building
up in the tunnel. Finds the right camera, zoos in, can't
hear anything. But he zooms in on the car that apparently is stuck, and he sees two people
in the front seat that look like
they're having a pretty heated argument. The woman was driving
and they're waving hands and you could tell that somebody
both shouting. She gets out of the car, slams the door in the
middle of the tunnel, stands there for a minute, opens the door again, yells something
and then slams the door and starts walking out of the tunnel. Not a neutral
place, right? Not a neutral
time. Don't do it when you're both
angry, don't do it. When you're both upset, you find the best way
and the best time to do it if you have
small children. I'll illustrate this point because if you've
been a parent and you've had that
4567 year old that you have to have
a little bit of a corrective
conversation with. And you can sense that they're sort of resisting the jaw sticks out a little bit and they're
just kind of like, no, we all have sense that as parents it's
because of this rule. See, the child
understands, The sides aren't even the parent is the giant. They have all
the power, they have all the money. They have the car keys. And they know where the
cookie jar is hidden. It's not fair.
They're looking for a way to bring some balance back
into the equation. That's why I tell parents
of small children, if you have to have that conversation
with your kid, I'll say go to their
room and have it. Why? I know you're paying the rent
or the mortgage, but they think it's
their territory. And you'll
actually see kids calm down a little bit. Or I'll say instead
of towering above them, sit
down on the bed. Or get down at eye level, because it takes away
the height advantage. Human nature, I
feel disadvantaged, so I get into a
defensive posture. Um, adults, We're just more
sophisticated about how we do it. But the principle
remains and it's there. Okay, and then
rule number seven, let's talk through that one before we wrap up. It says, I'll take
ownership of and be completely accountable
for my own feelings, thoughts, attitudes, behaviors without
plain detective or blaming my spouse. This is difficult
because when we're upset with our spouse
or another person, we often want to
say, what about you? Right? But as long
as we're focused on what about you, right, the other person, what
are we not tuned into or not willing to
address what about me? It's pretty common
that we have to help them turn
that back into a place of accountability
and responsibility. I said to a
couple who were fussing and the husband, he was just a
negative person in general,
pretty critical. And I stopped the session. I looked at him,
I said, listen, be careful about
criticizing all of your
wife's judgments. Look who she married. Are you telling her
she made a poor choice in married? But I get it. Human nature wants
to keep the focus out there because that's
more comfortable, but that's not helpful. Let me give you a biblical
example if I can. Do you remember
post Resurrection, Jesus and Peter are having a little bit
of fish breakfast. Although I can't say I've had fish for
breakfast a lot, but it must be okay, culturally, they're
having breakfast. Jesus is saying to
Peter, do you love me? Remember that
portion of scripture he asked him three times, do you love me,
do you love me? And Peter, of course,
says yes, yes, yes. It's his makeup
test, right? He denied him three times. Now he's saying that he reaffirms his love in
that conversation. If you read that
portion of scripture, Jesus looks at
Peter and he says, Peter, when you
were young, you could go anywhere
you wanted to, but when you grow old, you're going to
be bound up and you're not going
to be able to go where you want to go. The scripture even says that Jesus was speaking to Peter about what manner of death he was
going to experience. Now, think about the
conversation for a moment. They're having this
very intimate, probably somewhat
private conversation about his denials, reaffirming his love, and how he's going
to be martyred. Do you remember
Peter's response to Jesus in the moment? If you don't,
let me quote it. Peter looked over at the disciple whom
Jesus loved. John said, master.
What about him? Do you see the human
nature principle? What about him? Jesus,
in essence said, and I'm paraphrasing,
He said, Pete, tell you what? Right now we're
talking about you, Why don't we stick with that Because he
said to Peter, he said, What's
that to you, Peter? You follow me. But human
nature wants to go, but Lord, what
about my wife? What about my hand? What about them? And God is often
saying, yeah, let's talk about,
what about you first? This next set of
four rules, again, are to help a couple
stay on track. When we have part three, we'll cover the
last three rules and give a little
wrap to this.

**WatchTranscript-CommunicationDecisionMakingAndConflictResolutionPart3.txt**

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